This is written as a satirical view of WP, with the theme of a castle.. that’s been built on a swamp.
All events are true in their own context. It is a way of telling a story that matches the level of insanity from such an “organisation”
(They’re not very organised).
2016.
Us: You need to be careful and address the main issues that are affecting the staff, the customers, and the customer journey. It looks like you've built a castle on a swamp and need to address the swamp bit in particular. We're getting wet feet.
The company:
Please be advised we're a new company and are still finding our feet. We have a plan moving forward and we're confident it will be amazing.
2017.
Us: Still wet feet here. In part it's getting up to people's knees. About this swamp business, we really need to address the fact that parts of the business are drowning. What's this plan you had back before the new year?
The company: There is a plan. We have a plan. A definite plan of action moving forward. Plan means Plan.
** A ghostly echo in the background voices out Theresa May’s “Brexit means Brexit”. **
Us: Riiiiight, so what is the plan?
The company: That's right we're glad to see you're on board with the plan.
Us: Erm... back to the swamp thing. Surely you've noticed? We've even got backlog swamp now and it seems to be getting worse.
The company: We're aware of the hiccups with a bit of moisture. But we can't be certain it's actually a swamp at this point. We can revisit that in due course, however we need to spend more money on the castle. In particular the bits that reward people in the ivory tower bit.
2018:
Us: Look, come down out of that ivory tower and stand on the ground. It's not just the castle itself that's sinking now we are too.
The company: Well Ok. We need to blame someone so the board (who you don't work with, and don't really see the work that you do) have made the decision to fire someone. Their replacement will make sure that the ivory tower gets all the funding it needs and rewards all of those who reside there.
Us: Ok.. erm.. right. So what about the swamp?
Well we've made lots of investment on the castle to make sure it's swamp resistant. But the swamp itself we aren't entirely confident about. So we've spent lots more money on an external company to find out if it's a swamp or just a bit of occasional moisture here and there. We've made sure also that for this year there's nigh on 2 million gold pieces in bonuses for the ivory tower dwellers.
2019:
Us: (gets bucket). See this? It's water. From the swamp.
The company: You could have got that from anywhere?
Us: Maybe. But it's your bucket and the name of the castle is on the side of it and the press have been very interested in it.
The company: The other company on swampwatch are still carrying out their investigations.
Us: They've actually added to the swamp in places, because they've never worked in a swamp like this before.
The company: Sorry can't hear you from up here. We can't come down right now we're knee deep in lobster and caviar. If you could just work harder that would be great.
Oh and we've introduced lots of measures and KPI's to make sure if you don't work harder you'll be going to find another swam- er... castle to work in. Oh and if you make any more noise we will make sure we all lie for each other so you appear to be the villain, alright?
Later during 2019...
Us: Look we want to help so here's some ideas.
The company: Wow! Great! Awesome!. Tell you what, we will make sure that this idea gets put into place. Someone else will do that and they'll get the credit for it and make sure they get themselves a better position.
Us: What do we get?
The company: Well you've still got your job, and the assurance your ideas are helping the castle. Oh have you got any more ideas? We could use them if you want to take ownership and put them into place.
Us: Will we get paid any more?
The company: No.. but you'll be getting lots of experience which means you'll stand a better chance of getting nearer the ivory tower in the future.
Us: Can we get that in writing?
The company: Sorry can't hear you from up here.
2020
In a rather spontaneous briefing on 23 January 2020, the company confirms that it has in fact attempted from the very beginning tried to build a castle on a swamp. It also confirms that this was largely hidden through the creative accounting of previous individuals, and as a result the lobster and caviar fund for this year is looking rather bleak. In light of this discovery more of the work is now being outsourced. There is also a director level restructure following this.
Company is very much aware that this will invcrease the swamp, but doesn't believe we need more staff to manage it.
Later in 2020:
The company says We can wholeheartedly confirm that somehow we've manage to lose 25 million gold pieces in the last 3 years, that we didn't know we had. Despite there being a worldwide pandemic though we somehow have the view we're doing quite well. Keep up the good work please.
Yes that's right, all of those contractual bonuses of previous years that were dependent on our profit margin aren't going anywhere, despite our admittance that we haven't made any profit due to losing 25 million gold pieces down the back of the sofa we didn't know we had, let alone someone was sitting on.
To solve this we've brought in a team of experts, who will confirm what you've been telling us for the last 3 years. We will be paying them lots of money to do it, which we weren’t prepared to give you any of for giving similar answers.
Later in 2020
The company We.. erm,realise you guys that actually do the work are important. So we're giving you your birthday off. It won’t come out of your holiday allowance.
Also, we're giving you one early finish per week that won’t affect your holidays or your working hours either. Enjoy the work life balance!
*a great applause emerged from the castle grounds *
A bit later on….
As an extra xmas bonus strangely (because someone failed to realise we have bank holidays over the xmas period) the hours don’t quite match up. So remember that early finish you've been having for the last couple of months? We want some of that back.
2021
The odyssey continues.
The swamp is still there.
But don't worry we're moving offices. That will solve everything.
(Erm.. yes we're bringing the swamp with us... For strategic erm... "nostalgia purposes".)
